Elul Day 9 - ט באלול
Dear Elul Writers,
I sometimes like to think of this group as a secret Elul club, bound together by a desire to prepare for the year ahead and to find our way back, collectively, to the paths we seek. This was true a decade ago when there were 19 of us and I believe that it is true now when we are close to three thousand. I still get daily notes — quick hellos, longer reflections, poems and drawings, and I do my darndest to respond as quickly as I can. I am grateful for the feedback and for knowing that these nuggets are received and appreciated. I have heard from people in Southern California and Bristol, England — New Rochelle and Denver and Sydney and Durham. Glancing at the folks who’ve signed up, I recognize names from my years in Boston, from my childhood, former students, beloved teachers, former students who are my beloved teachers (sorry, I had to). And, of course, there are boatloads of names that I don’t know. Consider this long preamble, an invitation to introduce yourself or to check-in. You never need to mention whether you’re writing or not, there is no wrong way to use a prompt.
Like any good secret club, we might have to endure some gentle hazing. So, today we are initiated through a feat of strength; namely, facing the danger that is embedded in the work of return. Teachers of teshuvah remind us that there is a psychological peril, not in confronting others, but in truly seeing ourselves. R’ Danya Ruttenberg in her book, On Repentance and Repair, writes:
“Addressing harm is only possible when we bravely face the gap between the story we tell about ourselves—the one in which we’re the hero, fighting the good fight, doing our best, behaving responsibly and appropriately in every context — and the reality of our actions. We need to summon our courage to cross that cognitively dissonant gulf and face who we are, who we have been — even if it threatens our story of ourselves. It’s the only way we can even begin to undertake any possible repair of the harm we’ve done and become the kind of person who might do better next time.”
I am moved by this notion of traversing the divide between who we’d like to be and who we are. It is a bridge that can be narrow and wobbly and can make your stomach turn just looking at it. To cross seems nearly impossible, and certainly undesirable, but it is essential to the task of teshuvah.
DAY 9 PROMPT
We are now nine days into Elul, and it is likely time to begin traversing “that cognitively dissonant gulf” between who we aspire to be and who we’ve been. This is undoubtedly daunting, and I encourage you to tread lightly and purposefully, as you begin this journey. If it helps you, write a prayer or a kavanah (intention) for yourself as you depart. What would you like to keep in mind as you confront the places that you’ve caused others harm? Remember that the goal is not to wallow in guilt, but to set things right, to repair hurt and to ready yourself for behaving differently as you move forward.
Take care,
Jordan